True Confessions


... the author wants to be anonymous please :-) ... you can see why ...


… hold on to your seat.



We were in the SADF where I was an ops medic. My company (a military unit) had been on duty near the Mozambique border for about 6 months when we had to go back to Phalaborwa to get ready to go our 14 day pass (second year of National service – 1987). We got into Phalaborwa and had to spend a few days sorting out logistics etc before they would let us go. The Commandant of the sickbay said that while we medics were in base we should stay at the sickbay and also work nightshift. Now imagine this…we had been in the bush for six months and had developed some bad habits two of which were drinking too much and smoking the abundant weed that grows in that part of the world. Here we were in civilization, left alone at night in building full of cool stuff, operating theaters, skeletons (those training ones), drugs etc …..


We started one night with some beer we`d had ambulanced in and as it got later and more of the bigwigs were all asleep at home we started on some weed …. through milk … which went brown and we drank. We then started on Ethyl Chloride the stuff used to ice boils off, you suck it into your lungs off a piece of gauze. The result is hilarity as it feels like someone is pouring ice water into your body mixed with bouncing ping pong balls…


The night moved on and we moved into the dental surgery where Pienaar (who I can never forget) discovered the rubbery stuff they put in your mouth to cast pallets for false teeth etc …… he announced ….. "Ek gaan mould van my voel maak"… ordinarily we would have probably have gone "eyooo put it away" but the combination of what we had imbibed that night said …. "fuck yeah me too". And so it began ….. we discovered early on that in order to make a decent mould one had to think happy thoughts and achieve a certain state of "readiness" if the resultant artwork was going to impress…you get the visual yet? We achieved "readiness" and poured the mix that we had created over our manhood’s from the tip down and those of us that wanted the "full effect" over their testes too. We thought this was hilarious …..


But…and it’s a big but ….. in our state we had forgotten one crucial thing ……. pubes! Once the substance dried we said cool we just "peel it off" … nope …. the stuff had dried into our hair … we resorted to scissors to try and remove the mould without damaging it. Pienaar (he who will remain in infamy) had a brain wave ….. dentists have that gadget that shoots air into your mouth … awesome we said and he explained how if we cut a whole at the top of the mould and force air into the problem it will just "pop" off ….. I volunteered to try first (I know but I’d had a lot of dope) I cut the hole, inserted the gadget and pressed the trigger …. Well …. I’ve never sobered up so quick EVER! I’m told I went down like a big old tree from sheer agony, my mates were all in absolute rapture as they say it was the funniest thing ever …. blow air down a man’s urethra, guess what happens … you get a certain inflation …. I kid you not … its brief, painful and it subsides immediately but that’s what they saw. I came round moments later top find the mould had all but separated and a few snips and it was off ……. junior however was feeling a little tender …. more tender than I’ve ever felt it …. and he’s taken some punishment over the years. The lads were rolling about on the floor.


We all got our moulds off, some easier than others but all bar me with scissors only ……. We then cast our willys by filling the moulds with Plaster of Paris and we then had to hide the casting away until it dried. It came out perfect I must say … Pienaar (he of the most painful bright idea) included a heart shaped shield behind his nuts with "Elmarie" scratched into the plaster … he sent it to the lady in question I believe. Mine I had for a few years and I set it up in a box with cotton wool and mercurochrome stains ….. came out at parties.


True story, hand on heart!

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